


Keeping Secrets

by lvs2read



Category: Firefly
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Smut, Pre-Slash, Slash, old fic is old, post-BDM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:35:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27565393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read
Summary: Mal and Simon work through their issues with each other.
Relationships: Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Struggling

**Author's Note:**

> A series of ficlets orginally posted in the now defunct livejournal community PromptSomeSlash in 2006. The prompts are lost in the ether, but the story remains. :) Unbeta'd
> 
> There's exploration of tenses and POV in these, including 2nd person - which is not meant to be the reader.
> 
> I'd always meant to continue this story, but never did. Still, it's complete within itself.

* * *

**Struggling**

I'm so tired. It's been another long day in the infirmary. Another job gone south. Too many injuries to deal with. I can't fall apart now. One last wound to tend, and then I can collapse. If only he'll stay away.

"Hey, Doc. How's she doin'?"

So much for him staying away. I finish stitching my patient and round on him. "How's she doing!? How's she doing?! She could have died out there! What were you thinking? Taking her along? She has no business…" Without realizing it, I advance on him, hands balled into fists, ready to strike out at this man who infuriates me beyond reason.

He grabs my wrists as he replies, "Guess she's doin' okay, then. And she didn't die out there, Doc. Hell, she barely got more'n a scratch. Ain't that right, Albatross?"

"Bird's wing is clipped. Will be able to fly again soon." My beautiful, talented sister gives me a look that tells me what an idiot she thinks I am, and leaves the room. 

I struggle in his grip, and he releases me as he says, "See. Right as rain. And I need her skills out there. Just you think on how bad it could've been she hadn't been there."

"But she could have died! And you can't guarantee she won't next time."

"Conjure you're right 'bout that. Can you guarantee she won't die fallin' off those railin's she insists on climbin'?"

That brings me up short and my anger dissipates. "No. No, I can't."

"All right, then. No more discussin' this. Next time I say she goes, she goes. No argumentation. She's growin' up, Doc. You gotta let her. She'll never be whole otherwise. And neither will you."

"But… I don't think I can let her go."

"Not askin' you to let her go. Just let her grow up. Need to stop bein' her parent. Change into that lovin', trustin' man she needs now, not the fearful, worryin' brother you've become." 

After he leaves me in the cold, sterile environment that's the only place I feel totally comfortable, I collapse, hugging my knees to my chest, and whisper, "Why can't you love me? I'll change - for you."


	2. Heart's Content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's still unhappy with Mal's decision.

* * *

**Heart's content**

"She's not going!"

"Seems to me, we've had this conversation before, Doc."

"I don't care! She was hurt last time. What's going to happen this time?"

"Don't rightly know. But do know I need her along. This is the first time we've met with this contact. Don't know if I can trust him or not."

"And what if it turns out you can't? What then?"

"Why, then, I'll do my best to bring her back unharmed. Same as I would anyone else on this crew."

"What if your best isn't good enough?"

"Then you'll patch her up, good as new, just like you always do. Now, look, Doc. I ain't got time to stand 'round arguin' this. You want to rage and worry? Do it to your heart's content while we're gone, just be sure you're able to work, if needed, when we get back." 

Simon watched the mule drive down the ramp and off to another job, knowing that rage and worry weren't what would make his heart content, and wishing Mal could figure that out.


	3. Indecision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal's wishes Simon would trust him.

* * *

**Indecision**

Hate goin' 'gainst Doc's wishes, takin' River out on jobs, but need every advantage we got when it comes to work and new clients. An' Lil' Albatross sure has proven t'be of use more'n once lately.

If only Simon'd stop fussin' 'bout it every time. Think the man'd trust me by now, all we've been through - Jiangyin, Ariel, Reavers, Miranda.

But, no. Has t'butt heads with me over every decision, 'specially if it involves lil' sis. Too bad. I'm captain of this here boat, one responsible for makin' decisions, tough or easy, and Doc'll jus' have t'learn t'live with that.

Just wish he'd do it soon. Gettin' gorramn tired o' fightin' with him. C'n think o' other, more pleasantlike, things I d'rather be doin' with him. Course, that'd mean makin' a decision 'm not sure'd turn out too well. So, permaybehaps, 'tis best t'keep fightin'.


	4. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal reaches his breaking point.

* * *

**Confrontation**

"Captain, may I speak with you?"

There it is. That voice with a tone that wouldn't melt butter. Makes me wonder what it'd take to warm it up. I shake my head slightly, sigh, and turn towards him. "What can I do for you, Doc?" I ask, a deliberate smirk on my face.

"I just wanted to thank you for taking such _good_ care of my sister today. It isn't every day that she has to flee for her life in a hail of bullets."

He's really laying it on, but I can play this game. "You're right welcome, Doc. Course she might wanna get used to it. Seems to be the way things go, more often'n not." I shrug as if to say it's no big deal, runnin' for cover the way we so often do.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think I was sincere? Don't you recognize…"

That does it. That tone that says 'I'm better than you'. The same one that Inara used so many times before she left again. Couldn't do nothin' 'bout it with her, but… Before I even know it, I've got his shirt in my fist and he's up against the bulkhead, wide-eyed and nervous, but not backin' down.

"Oh, I know saracasm when I hear it, Doc." I growl, my face just inches from his. "Just tried to ignore it. I'm gettin' awful gorramn tired o' this conversation. You got a problem with lil' sis goin' out on jobs, take it up with her and stop tryin' to provoke me into doin' somethin' we both might regret."

"And what would that be?" He sneers at me, eyes flashin' flames so hot they'd scorch a body if they were real, as he struggles in my grip. "Are you going to toss me out the airlock? Drop me off on some backwater moon? Punch me again? What? What are you going to do?"

"This." And without thinkin' it through, I pull him forward and kiss him. Kiss him like there's no tomorrow. Kiss him in anger that turns to passion as his lips soften under mine. When his mouth falls open, my tongue is drawn in to taste him of its own accord. His hand comes up to grip the back of my neck, pulling me down as the kiss deepens. My hand is at his waist and I jerk him in until we're as close as two bodies can get and still be fully clothed. I feel his hard length against my thigh, and know that I'm just as hard. Suddenly he whimpers and we break apart, both breathing heavily and barely able to stand.

"Told you not to provoke me," I say as I push him back against the bulkhead and turn to walk away as quickly as I can from where he's staring at me in confusion; 'cause if I don't leave, and leave now, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop from kissin' him again. Or if I'd be able to stop with kissin'.


	5. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tries to figure out what just happened.

* * *

**Recovery**

Simon stood, or maybe leaned was a better word, against the bulkhead, watching Mal disappear down the corridor. Putting his fingers up to his swollen lips he wondered what had just happened. Well, he knew what had just happened. It hadn't been _that_ long since he'd been kissed. And Mal had definitely kissed him, and kissed him pretty thoroughly at that. The question was, why had Mal kissed him? And why was he standing here like a fool letting him go?

He tried to follow Mal, but his legs didn't seem to be cooperating. Oh, right. That's why he was just standing here. All right, he'd just stand here a little longer, maybe get his breath back while he was at it. After all, Mal couldn't go far. They'd left the planet behind some time ago, and _Serenity_ was a small ship. He'd find him eventually.

In the meantime he'd think about what had happened, and see if he couldn't figure out why Mal had suddenly kissed him, just out of the blue, with no prior indication that he was interested in doing so. And he was positive there'd been no clues. He'd been looking for them. Watching since he came on board. Hoping when Inara left - both times. But there hadn't been any. So why today? Why now? Especially when he'd been in such a snippy mood.

Simon squirmed when he thought of how he'd been blaming Mal for River's actions. Mal was right. River was growing up, knew her own mind, made her own decisions. She didn't need him constantly worrying over her. She just needed him to love her, unconditionally. And he did. But when she went out on jobs he was so scared he'd lose her that instead of telling her so, he got angry and took it out on Mal. Well, that was going to stop. Buddha knew he'd probably still get angry with Mal every other day or so, but it wouldn't be about River anymore.

He pushed away from the bulkhead. Time to find Mal and find out the motivation behind that kiss. He had a feeling Mal wasn't going to tell him willingly. Simon smiled in anticipation as he headed down the corridor in the direction Mal had gone. Should be fun to watch him squirm.


	6. No More Hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mal and Simon contemplate, separately, recent events. (2nd Person POV)

* * *

**No More Hiding**

You are in your bunk. Somehow you managed to get there before he came looking for you. You're not hiding, though. Not at all. You just have some paperwork to do. You sit down at your desk, determined to work, but then your mind starts to drift,

You remember all the recent arguments, and how much fun it is, getting him riled up. How tempting he looks when he's not thinking about maintaining a façade. Then you wonder when you started noticing how he looks. After all, you lean towards women. So why's it matter what he looks like? Oh, sure. You've had encounters with men in the past. But that's all they were. Encounters. You have a feeling that if this thing with him continues it'll be more than an encounter. And you don't need that kind of complication in your life.

Then you think about that kiss. Whatever possessed you to kiss him like that? Yes, you'd been angry, but you've been angry with him before. Usually led to punching, not kissing. So what was different this time? You'd better figure it out soon, because you know him. He's not going to let the matter drop. He's like a terrier with a rat when he wants to know something. Won't let it go 'til he's got an answer. And you don't have one. 

Groaning, you pick up a pencil and try to concentrate on the paperwork that will keep you out of trouble next time the Alliance comes knocking.

***

You stand in the corridor outside his bunk. You know he has to be in there because you've searched everywhere else with no success. He's hiding from you, not that he'll ever admit it. A more stubborn man you've never met. So you have your medbag with you as an excuse. You hope by threatening him with medical treatment he'll relent and talk to you about that kiss. Not exactly ethical, but the situation requires drastic measures.

Your heart is still singing from that unexpected kiss. You've been wanting to kiss him for so long that when he kissed you, you almost didn't respond. It had only taken a moment, though, for you to give as good as you got. Well maybe not _as_ good. He'd been able to walk away, after all, while you could only stand there and stare at him leaving.

Now it's time to confront him. Ask him why. But you have to do it delicately. If he realizes how much you want him to do it again, he'll just hide behind a façade. And you're finished with hiding. Repressing a grin, and putting a stern look on your face, you knock on the hatch.

***

You jump at the knock. It's him. You know it. And there's no escaping the coming storm. Sighing, you call out, "Come!"

You stand up and watch him descend the ladder, medbag in hand, and every button in place. As if nothing happened. You wonder how he does it then glance up when you hear the hatch close. Putting on your captain's mask, you look at him and ask, "Somethin' I c'n do for you, Doc?"

"Yes, Captain, there is. You've recently exhibited some unusual behavior. And since you were just planetside, I'd like to take a blood sample to make sure you weren't accidentally drugged."

"Drugged? Unusual? Seems to me I wasn't the only one exhibiting unusual behavior, Doc. And you weren't planetside."

"No, Captain. I was not behaving unusually. Or haven't you figured out yet why Kaylee and I never made a go of it?"

"Not? But… You're…? Hunh."

"Yes, Captain. I'm sly. You, however, are not. Or so I'm given to understand. So,…"

You watch him pull out the biggest gorram needle you've ever seen then swallow and say, "Put that away, Simon. I may lean towards women, but I've been known to swing towards men as well."

"Not so far as I've ever seen."

"That's because you ain't seen nothin' yet."

"Oh? And I suppose you're going to show me something?"

"Oh, yeah." And you do.


	7. Losing Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has waited long enough.

* * *

**Losing Control**

All of his life, Simon had lived within the restraints of his upbringing.

As a child it was: "Sit up straight at the table," "Don't get dirty," "Give Aunt Gerta a hug," and on and on.

As a young adult it was: "Don't show too much emotion," "Dance with your cousin Minna so she won't be a wallflower," "Don't argue with your elders," etc., etc., etc.

As a med student it was: "You have to study during your free time so that you can become a brilliant doctor," "Remember that your behavior reflects on the rest of your family, so stay out of trouble," ad nauseam.

By the time he was a trauma surgeon, Aunt Gerta had died and cousin Minna had married a fat banker in Capital City and seemed happy with her lot, and five children. So some of the restraints were already falling away when he figured out that River was in trouble. And from then on nothing else mattered.

He argued with his parents when they wouldn't believe him. He got dirty going into the Blackout Zone. He didn't care how his arrest affected his father. He only wanted to find River.

Once he found her, and was on the run, some of the restraints returned. He dressed properly, even though it made him conspicuous, because he needed the armor of civilized life surrounding him. He was always polite because it was the only way he had to show his respect of others. And he kept the secret of his sexual preferences buried deep to protect himself from unwanted attention by some of the more unsavory people living on the Rim.

As he adapted to life on the run, and on _Serenity_ , the restraints loosened again. He dressed more casually. He conversed more easily. He even got angry, and let it show, now and then. And, after Miranda, he had tried to make a go of it with Kaylee - hiding his unrequited desire for someone else entirely. It had worked for a while. But soon she had realized that she wasn't what he wanted, and they had stopped being lovers and returned to being friends.

Then, in the middle of another of their interminable arguments, Mal kissed him. He held on to the last vestiges of restraint until he was in Mal's bunk. But when Mal told him he hadn't seen anything yet, and promised to show him something, he felt the restraints slipping away. And when Mal pulled him into his arms, kissing him greedily as he fumbled with the buttons on his vest, he lost all restraint.

Shoving Mal down on to his bed and straddling him, he quickly stripped off his own shirt and vest before setting to work on Mal's clothing. He had Mal's shirt open and was heading for his pants, when Mal's hands stopped him.

"Don't you think we should take this a mite slower?"

"Fuck slow. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted you? I need you. Now. But you better have some lube because I'm not about to do this dry."

As Mal released his hands and reached for the lube, chuckling, Simon finished stripping him of his remaining garments, removing his own in the process as well. Then they were skin to skin, exploring each other with hands and mouths, pushing each other to their limits, riding the slow burn of penetration, thrusting up and sliding down, fighting to hold on, falling into ecstasy, breathing deep, and verging on sleep.

"What were you laughing about earlier?" Simon ran his hand in lazy circles on Mal's chest.

"Hmm? Oh. Was just thinkin' I was wrong to call you a rat terrier. You're a wildcat. Didn't your mama teach you restraint?"

"Of course she did. You just make me lose it." Simon lifted his head off of Mal's shoulder and stretched up to give him a kiss then lay back down. 

"Hey! What do you mean rat terrier?!"


	8. Letting Loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's not happy, but he can be persuaded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation in mouse over and at the end.

* * *

**Letting Loose**

Mal's laughter rang through the bunk. When he let go of his worries and concerns, and laughed for the pure joy of laughing, it transformed his face, lighting it up and making him look years younger. He looked carefree and happy, happier than Simon had ever seen him.

On the other hand, Simon's face was as dark as a thundercloud, his eyebrows pulled together in a scowl, his eyes stormy seas of outrage, his mouth, so recently soft and pliant with passion, now hard and stiff with anger. "I don't believe you! You say something so…hurtful, and then you laugh about it!" He rolled over to get off of the bed, and promptly fell on the floor.

Mal laughed harder.

"Ow!" Simon glared at Mal from his position on the floor then stood to gather his clothes. "I will not stay here to be laughed at!" He turned his back to Mal preparatory to putting on his pants.

Suddenly, Mal snaked an arm around Simon's waist and pulled him back down on to the bed. "Sorry, _yě māo_." Controlling his laughter, Mal whispered in Simon's ear as he tried to pull away. "Didn't say it to be hurtful." Mal nibbled his neck as he fought the temptation to give in. "But you gotta admit, when you get a hold o' somethin' you can be mighty persistent." Mal's other hand gripped him firmly by the chin, turning his face to give him a sloppy kiss. 

Simon gave up, fervently returning the kiss. "Yes. Well. It seems I'm not the only one." Simon looked pointedly at Mal's arm still wrapped firmly around his waist, the darkness of Mal's tan contrasting sharply with the lightness of his own skin, then glanced up through his eyelashes at Mal, an evil smile on his face. "So if I'm a rat terrier, what does that make you? A bulldog?"

Mal looked startled for a moment then said, "Yeah, I reckon it does." He started laughing again, and this time Simon joined him.

* * *

_yě māo_ = wild cat


End file.
